Libarian: Alright, students. This tab shows you the average salary of the career throughout the nation of California...I mean, United States.
hawaii.
Teacher: ...and maybe someday Hawaii will want to be its own country again.
Student: Isn't Hawaii already its own country?
2 and 6
Student 1: Hey, what's 2 and 6?
Student 2: Uh...9?
Student 1: ...I meant the answers to questions 2 and 6.
George Washington and the Cherry Tree
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, class, who can tell me why his father didn't punish him?
Student: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
French Spies
Teacher: Bonjour
Boy: Hey.
Teacher: I know you're French. You look French.
Boy: No, I'm Cuban. See my shirt? "Cuba"
Teacher: You're like a secret agent from France who claims to be from Cuba, here to spy on our secret plans to steal their french fries.
Boy: Yeah...sure.
Teacher: One day, I'm going to go to France to buy some french fries, track you down and prove to the world you're French.
Boy: You do that.
- - - - -
-class waits for Boy to come back to the classroom-
Teacher: What is taking him so long?
Student: Where do you think he went?
Teacher: France
Who's driving?
(Car breaks squeal, sound of crash from the street)
Student 1: Oh my gosh, look! A car accident.
Student 2: She's probably Asian.
(Asian woman walks out of the car)
Student 1: Well, whaddya know.
1,000 Women
Teacher: So basically, women only need men for their sperm. One man is good for, like, 1,000 women.
Male Student: I'm in!
Noble
Female Student 1: So we're doing that simulation thing in World History.
Female Student 2: Oh, the one where you're like a peasant or noble or whatever.
Female Student 1: Yeah, I'm a peasant.
Female Student 2: Yeah, in my class I am too, it sucks.
Female Student 1: It doesn't suck for me. My noble is hott.
Who the Crowd Boos For
-Edision Bell Pre-Game Show. FVRR marching band is entering the field to begin their performance-
Edision crowd: Booooo!
Bando #1: Who are they booing?
Bando #2: They're booing themselves cause they know we've kicked their band's butt a million times in a row.
Coincidence
Teacher: The characters in this story met by coincidence. Can anybody give a real life example of a coincidence?
Student: My mother and father got married on the same day, same time.
Mi Perro
Teacher: Your essay on "Mi Perro" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Student: No, it's the same dog.
An Important Thing
Teacher: Student, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have twenty years ago.
Student: Me!
"The Pursuit of Happyness"
Teacher: John Locke was a philosopher who strongly believed in human rights, political as well as religious freedoms, and the pursuit of ....
Class: happiness
Teacher: No -_- the pursuit of property
An artist
Kid 1: Can you name me an artist?
Kid 2: Uh...let me think...Salvador Dali?
Kid 1: A music artist? Is Salvador Dali a new band or something?
Sharing isn't caring
Kid 1: Hey, can you lend me that CD?
Kid 2: No.
Kid 1: But sharing is caring! Don't you care about me?
Kid 2: No, sharing isn't caring. Sharing is communism.
Scantron
Kid 1: I was looking at a really stupid shirt and it said:
"Choose wisely" with "rock paper scissors" on it.
Kid 2: It should say: "Choose wisely" with
Scantron "a b c" bubbles instead.
Dress up
Teacher (to a male student): That's a sweet looking tux you've got on there. Class, I wish all of you guys would come to school dressed like this.
Boy: Psh. And look like a dork all day?
Teacher: I actually think a tux would look very well on you. But of course, a dress would probably fit you better.
Stealing money from the poorhouse
-teacher announces test scores to those who want it after an exam-
Twin #1: Hey, do I have a good grade?
Teacher: You got the same grade as your twin; do you guys want it?
Twin #2: Not really.
Student: I bet they violated the Honor Code.
Teacher: I don't think so. To cheat off Twin #2 is like trying to steal money from the poorhouse.
Stuffing
Student 1: "The whole process of stuffing a turkey is pretty gross you have to push it all in and sew it up and it's all gooey."
Student 2: Yeah, it's like giving birth!
Student 1: ...
Student 2: I'm talking about the delivery not the process!
Karma
Teacher: Something really bad happened to me today. I'm very sad.
Class: What happened?
Teacher: My dog died.
Student #1: Do you know why?
Teacher: Not really.
Student #2: I know why. It's karma.
UCLA
-students filling out a college questionnaire-
Student #1: Dude, I'm so going to go to UCLA.
Student #2: How do you know that they're going to accept you?
Student #1: That's such a stupid question. How could they NOT accept me? Look at me: I'm the smartest, the best, the most handsome. My GPA could KILL yours. I've visited the school, I talked to its representatives. I know that school inside and out, from every brick in its walls, man.
Student #2: You know the bricks because your head is made of them.
Student #1: What? Why?
Student #2: Because it's pretty darn obvious you can't spell "Los Angeles" correctly on that form of yours.
Fountain Valley
Student #1: Ugh. I just want to kill myself!
Student #2: How do you want to do that?
Student #1: I'm going to drown myself in a fountain! It's Fountain Valley, after all you know.
Moment in history
Teacher: If you could pick any moment in history to go back to, where would you go?
Student: The assassination of JFK.
Teacher: You know where I would want to go? I would want to go back to the moment I was born. Wouldn't that be cool?
Student: Eww...that would be gross!
Teacher: It's still not as gross as seeing the moment I was being made.
"F"
Teacher: Okay guys; here are your quizzes. You may start now.
Student: Can you tell me the answer to number five?
Teacher: Sure. The answer is "F." No, wait – that's your grade.
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