Boy: Hey do know who took my pants?
Girl: -pauses- I did. What kind of question is that?
Boy: Damn it, it's a serious one.
Girl: Who takes pants again?
Boy: You do.
Girl: Riight
Did you take my pants?
High Maintenance
Girl: I'm soo high maintenance.
Teacher: You're high maintenance? I'm so low maintenance. I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to buy me anything expensive.
Boy: You're my kind of girl!
Spicy Goodness
Student #1: Here, you can have the rest of the raspberry sauce.
Student #2: Ahh! It's spicy!
Student #1: It's spicy? O.o
Student #2: Yes! So spicy... but so good...I want MORE!
Easy as Easy
Student #1: Hey, did you finish your homework?
Student #2: Well, I did the easy problems because they were easy.
Brownies for breakfast
Student 1: I'm not so sure about eating this cookie. I already had a brownie for breakfast, and I might get sick.
Student 2: You had a brownie for breakfast? You're so lucky. My parents starve me so I'll die, and they won't have to pay for my college.
A's?
Teacher (mumbling): Just use your mind! Be happy, get A's!
Student 1: Gets AIDS?
Teacher: Yeaaaa, go get a fatal disease.
Student 2: I thought he said get blazed...
Anal-yze
Student 1, pointing to white board: Wait, what's the difference between those questions? Aren't they pretty much asking the same thing about the story?
Student 2: Yeah. It's pretty nit-picky. You know, there's a reason that "analyze" starts with "anal."
Student 3: Because it's so in-depth?
Bonfire
Boy: Hey, what did you do this weekend?
Girl: I went to the beach for a bonfire, and we ran out of wood, so my friend lit a surfboard on fire.
Toto
Student: Wait, I still don't understand this problem...
Teacher: You simply plug in the given number into the function.
Student: O_o?
Teacher: It's the exact same type of problem as the one we just did except you substitute with variables instead of actual numbers. Helloo... we're not in Kansas anymore Toto!
Porky Pig
Student #1: I thought pork was made from cows.
Student #2: ...They're made from pigs...
Student #1: Oh...OH! Porky Pig! It makes sense now! Hahaha :D
Student #1: Oh, good lord...
Our New Nation
Libarian: Alright, students. This tab shows you the average salary of the career throughout the nation of California...I mean, United States.
hawaii.
Teacher: ...and maybe someday Hawaii will want to be its own country again.
Student: Isn't Hawaii already its own country?
2 and 6
Student 1: Hey, what's 2 and 6?
Student 2: Uh...9?
Student 1: ...I meant the answers to questions 2 and 6.
George Washington and the Cherry Tree
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, class, who can tell me why his father didn't punish him?
Student: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
French Spies
Teacher: Bonjour
Boy: Hey.
Teacher: I know you're French. You look French.
Boy: No, I'm Cuban. See my shirt? "Cuba"
Teacher: You're like a secret agent from France who claims to be from Cuba, here to spy on our secret plans to steal their french fries.
Boy: Yeah...sure.
Teacher: One day, I'm going to go to France to buy some french fries, track you down and prove to the world you're French.
Boy: You do that.
- - - - -
-class waits for Boy to come back to the classroom-
Teacher: What is taking him so long?
Student: Where do you think he went?
Teacher: France
Who's driving?
(Car breaks squeal, sound of crash from the street)
Student 1: Oh my gosh, look! A car accident.
Student 2: She's probably Asian.
(Asian woman walks out of the car)
Student 1: Well, whaddya know.
1,000 Women
Teacher: So basically, women only need men for their sperm. One man is good for, like, 1,000 women.
Male Student: I'm in!
Noble
Female Student 1: So we're doing that simulation thing in World History.
Female Student 2: Oh, the one where you're like a peasant or noble or whatever.
Female Student 1: Yeah, I'm a peasant.
Female Student 2: Yeah, in my class I am too, it sucks.
Female Student 1: It doesn't suck for me. My noble is hott.
Who the Crowd Boos For
-Edision Bell Pre-Game Show. FVRR marching band is entering the field to begin their performance-
Edision crowd: Booooo!
Bando #1: Who are they booing?
Bando #2: They're booing themselves cause they know we've kicked their band's butt a million times in a row.
Coincidence
Teacher: The characters in this story met by coincidence. Can anybody give a real life example of a coincidence?
Student: My mother and father got married on the same day, same time.
Mi Perro
Teacher: Your essay on "Mi Perro" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Student: No, it's the same dog.
An Important Thing
Teacher: Student, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have twenty years ago.
Student: Me!
"The Pursuit of Happyness"
Teacher: John Locke was a philosopher who strongly believed in human rights, political as well as religious freedoms, and the pursuit of ....
Class: happiness
Teacher: No -_- the pursuit of property
An artist
Kid 1: Can you name me an artist?
Kid 2: Uh...let me think...Salvador Dali?
Kid 1: A music artist? Is Salvador Dali a new band or something?
Sharing isn't caring
Kid 1: Hey, can you lend me that CD?
Kid 2: No.
Kid 1: But sharing is caring! Don't you care about me?
Kid 2: No, sharing isn't caring. Sharing is communism.
Scantron
Kid 1: I was looking at a really stupid shirt and it said:
"Choose wisely" with "rock paper scissors" on it.
Kid 2: It should say: "Choose wisely" with
Scantron "a b c" bubbles instead.
Dress up
Teacher (to a male student): That's a sweet looking tux you've got on there. Class, I wish all of you guys would come to school dressed like this.
Boy: Psh. And look like a dork all day?
Teacher: I actually think a tux would look very well on you. But of course, a dress would probably fit you better.
Stealing money from the poorhouse
-teacher announces test scores to those who want it after an exam-
Twin #1: Hey, do I have a good grade?
Teacher: You got the same grade as your twin; do you guys want it?
Twin #2: Not really.
Student: I bet they violated the Honor Code.
Teacher: I don't think so. To cheat off Twin #2 is like trying to steal money from the poorhouse.
Stuffing
Student 1: "The whole process of stuffing a turkey is pretty gross you have to push it all in and sew it up and it's all gooey."
Student 2: Yeah, it's like giving birth!
Student 1: ...
Student 2: I'm talking about the delivery not the process!
Karma
Teacher: Something really bad happened to me today. I'm very sad.
Class: What happened?
Teacher: My dog died.
Student #1: Do you know why?
Teacher: Not really.
Student #2: I know why. It's karma.
UCLA
-students filling out a college questionnaire-
Student #1: Dude, I'm so going to go to UCLA.
Student #2: How do you know that they're going to accept you?
Student #1: That's such a stupid question. How could they NOT accept me? Look at me: I'm the smartest, the best, the most handsome. My GPA could KILL yours. I've visited the school, I talked to its representatives. I know that school inside and out, from every brick in its walls, man.
Student #2: You know the bricks because your head is made of them.
Student #1: What? Why?
Student #2: Because it's pretty darn obvious you can't spell "Los Angeles" correctly on that form of yours.
Fountain Valley
Student #1: Ugh. I just want to kill myself!
Student #2: How do you want to do that?
Student #1: I'm going to drown myself in a fountain! It's Fountain Valley, after all you know.
Moment in history
Teacher: If you could pick any moment in history to go back to, where would you go?
Student: The assassination of JFK.
Teacher: You know where I would want to go? I would want to go back to the moment I was born. Wouldn't that be cool?
Student: Eww...that would be gross!
Teacher: It's still not as gross as seeing the moment I was being made.
"F"
Teacher: Okay guys; here are your quizzes. You may start now.
Student: Can you tell me the answer to number five?
Teacher: Sure. The answer is "F." No, wait – that's your grade.
Not listening
Teacher: Student, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher.
Flirt
Girl #1: She flirts with everything.
Girl #2: Everyone.
Girl #1: No, everything – even inanimate objects.
Girl #2: Is she like, "Oh, table!" [Strokes table]
Girl #1: Yea, and, "Chair, you're so cute!"
Obesity
Boy 1: Did you know that two-thirds of the population is overweight?
Boy 2: Of course. Fat people take up more space.
Classmates
*Student #1 and Student #2 are classmates and they move to another room for a test*
Student #1: Hey, look, it's Student #2! I didn't know that you’re taking the same test! I haven’t seen you for a really long time.
Student #2 : Dude, I sit next to you in the same class.
Da Vinci who?
Girl: You know that portrait lady thing in The Da Vinci Code?
Guy: Yea.
Girl: Who was the guy who drew it?
Guy: Hmm…I’m not sure. That’s a good question.
Varsity Letter
Teacher: By the time you finish this class, you guys should get a letter like those varsity kids.
Kid: I know for sure I’ll get a letter. It’ll be a big fat “F”.
The Scarlet letter
Teacher: So, did everyone read The Scarlet Letter last night?
Class: *resounding yes*
Teacher (picks student at random): So can you tell me what the letter “A” stands for?
Student: Uh…Abercrombie?
Wet
Teacher: Why does your book look like it’s been wet?
Student: Uh…I kinda fell asleep trying to read it.
Teacher: How does that make the book look as if it went swimming?
Student: My mouth might have been open.
Silent "h"
Student: (before answering a question): Ummmmm…
Spanish teacher: Remember, anyone who says the word “um” before he or she answers a question has to give a penny to the “La bolsa de Um.” Pay up.
Student: No, no! I said “Hum!”
Spanish teacher: No, you said “Um.”
Student: I’m serious! I said “Hum!” because in Spanish you don’t pronounce the “H” sound.
Emergency food
Student: Hey Teach, if we’re trapped in this classroom during an earthquake, do you have any food we can eat?
Teacher: You guys can eat the gum under the desks.
The truth hurts
Student #1: One shouldn’t say anything one doesn’t know to be true.
Student #2: You’re ugly.
Smarties
Girl #1: Hey, can I have a Smartie?
Girl #2: No, are you like an Airhead? You can have a Dum Dum though.
"Like"
Teacher: You guys should, like, try to like, refrain from using the word “like”. It’s really, like, unnecessary, and like, makes you look, like, unprofessional. Like, in the workforce, like, who would hire, like, a person who talked like this?
Student: Abercrombie and Fitch.
Depression
Girl: Why is everyone depressed lately? Is it the weather?
Boy: No; its my underwear. It's depressing the nation.
Boyfriends
Girl #1: My parents won't let me have a boyfriend until I'm married.
Girl #2: That's okay. You can have boyfriends after you're married.
Bathroom break
Girl to teacher, after taking a drink from water bottle: I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: You need to go to the bathroom and you're still drinking water? That makes sense.
Boy: She's emptying the bottle so she can use it.
Trainer
Boy 1: You know who's really hot? The trainer. I once got injured so I could go see the trainer.
Boy 2: Last time I went to the trainer, he was male...
Prevarication
Teacher: Why are you smiling?
Student, proudly: Because I just farted!
Teacher: You need to learn how to prevaricate.
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