Giving Birth

AP Bio class is discussing the last few days before the AP test.

Teacher: Taking AP Bio is like giving birth! It hurts when you're doing it, but you're happy you did it when you look back!

Student 1: (points out) Yeah, but none of us are taking pain killers.

The class mumbles in agreement.

Teacher: Oh yeah...

Student 2: Keep pushing!

Dont! Stop!

Boy pokes Girl on the side.

Girl: Ahh! Don't! Stop!

Boy: Don't stop? Okay!

Boy pokes Girl some more.

One for All

Teacher: So how many seniors are on this room?

One student raises his hand, then awkwardly looks around him.

Student: Oh, you got to be kidding me...

Give Those Back!

Teacher passes back tests to period 1

Student: Um...Teacher, this is period 5's scantrons.

Teacher: What are you doing!?! Give those back! How dare you take these!

According to my Calculations, It Belongs to Mom

Teacher finds a calculator on a lab table and doesn't know who it belongs to.

Teacher: For future reference, you guys might want to put your name on your calculators from now on.

Boy: My calculator has my mom's name on it! :D

How Long Will you Last?

Class discusses the CAHSEE a week before testing.

Student 1: What if we aren't done by fourth period?

Teacher: We're having a study period. And besides, you're not going to take 4 or 5 periods taking the CAHSEE...

- - - - -

1st Day of the CAHSEE English (modified day)

Teacher: -takes attendance- Where's Student 1?

Student 2: Still taking the CAHSEE.

Teacher: You're kidding me... - shocked smile-

Student 1 comes in a few minutes after class starts.

Student 1: I couldn't take it anymore... I was soooo bored!

Hilarious.

Student 1: So I have to do this project on Ghandi..

(With all seriousness:)

Student 2: Wait, is Ghandi a sophmore?

Student 1: Ya, he is, and Jesus graduated last year.

sticks??

Teacher: ...for you to understand this concept, let me give an example using the game pick up stix. Now how many are familiar with that game?

Student: What do you use to play the game?

Class along with teacher: STICKS!!

Take the Easy Way Out

Spanish class is practicing using their commands and sense of directions in their textbook.

Teacher: In this activity, we're using a subway map of Mexico City to practice how to get from one place to another. Student, please tell us how to get from Chapultepec Park to Zocalo.

Student: From Chapultepec Park, you take Line 1 and go towards Pino Suarez. Get off there and take...uh... -stares at the book for a few minutes in silence-

Teacher: ...takes...?

Student: Oh my god...why can't you just drive?

Odd Appetite

Student 1: I like to eat rocks.

Student 2: You're weird.

Binder Identity Theft?

Boy #1 takes Girl's binder during SSR

Boy #1: This is my binder. See? These are my classes. I'm a straight A student.

Girl: Not straight A's...

Boy #1: Uh-huh.

Girl: So this is your binder?

Boy #1: Yup.

Girl: So you have a boyfriend named Boy #2?

Boy #1: Boyfriend named Boy #2? No...What the heck are you talking about?

Girl: Then who is this? -flips binder to the back cover with pictures with Boy#2-

Boy #1: Oh my god! Someone defaced my binder!!!

Steroidsberry

Student eats strawberries in Teacher's class

Teacher: That is the biggest strawberry I have ever seen. Is it on steroids?

Laugh with or laugh AT

After presenting a group video project in Government class...

Student #1: "Aw... come on, Mr. _(teacher's name)_! You liked our project..."

(laughter in class)

Student #2: "You so DID like it, Mr. _(teacher's name)_. You know you did."

Teacher: (says with sarcasm) "Yeah, yeah... sure I did."

Student #1: "You DID! You were LAUGHING!"

Teacher: "Well, there's really two ways to laugh: one with and one AT."

Class: "Oohhhhhh... BURN!"

Hedwig

Playing Jeopardy for a group project in Government class...

Class: "Miscellaneous for 500!"

Host: "What is Harry Potter's owl name?"

Students raise hand. Picks Student #1.

Student #1: "HEDWIG!!"

Host: "Correct."

Teacher: "The answer to that question should have been, 'who cares?'."

Buttface

Student 1: *insert lame joke here*
Student 2: That wasn't even funny.
Student 1: Well, you know what? Your butt!
Student 2: What?
Student 1: Your face! Oh, oops. Same thing as the last insult. Buttface.

The teacher just put live crickets into the lizard tank at the back of the classroom, which are supposed to serve as the lizards' food.

Student 1: *while leaving class with Student 2* Those crickets are so annoying! They never shut up.
Student 2: God, I know! I wish they'd just freakin die already!

Just hit the spider...

During the last few minutes of class, the class is having a discussion about learning to play baseball as kids

Teacher: I only found out about a week ago that I've been batting wrong all my life, because we never had coaching like you guys do. We'd just go out on to the feild and figure out what we were supposed to do.
Student: You're supposed to hit the spider, remember?
Teacher: *gives student a weird look* What?
Student: You know. Like, when you're hitting the ball off the tee-thing, you're supposed to hit the spider.
Teacher: *getting irritated* Well, nobody ever taught me to hit the damn spider!

If You're Going to Bet. . .Don't

In P.E, playing baseball

Girl 1: Shut up or I'll slap you with this [baseball] glove.

Girl 2: I bet you 2 billion bucks you won't slap me.

*slap*

Girl 1: You owe me 2 billion bucks.

I'm Bringing Greco-Roman Back

English teacher's attempt in making a joke.

Teacher: Yes, they [humanists] were bringing Greco-Roman back.

*pause*

Teacher: Yeah, I also heard that the original song title was going to be Greco-RomanBack, but his producers wouldn't let him, so he settled for SexyBack.

*longest silence ever to be recorded in human history*

Student: Oooh! I get it! It's a Justin Timberlake's song!
Class: Ooooh. . .

Conceited Much?

Girl 1: You're so freaking lucky.
Girl 2: Thanks, but why?
Girl 1: Because, you get to look at me right now.

Worms and their eyes...

Photo Teacher: Class, there are three major perspectives from which you can take a photo.
There is worm's eye, sea level, and bird's eye. YOU move to get the photo YOU want.

Student 1: Worm's eye, sea level, bird's eye. Hmm... very interesting...

Student 2: Wait-but I thought worms don't have eyes!

Messages from beyond...

Two girls talking about a guy who asked a girl out:

Girl 1: I heard she said no though...

Girl 2: Really? Did she give a reason?

Girl 1: Yeah... she said her grandma wouldn't let her.

Girl 2: But her grandma's dead...

Rain, rain, go away...

Teacher: How many of you guys like the rain?

(students raise their hands)

Student [in intentionally high squeaky voice]:My mommy told me that when it rains, the angels are peeing after a party last night.

Teacher: Is that why you open your mouth towards the sky? Like this? (opens mouth real wide upward)

(laughter)

White people toasters

Student 1 is trying to describe a conventional, pop-out-ish toaster to student 2, while student 3 looks on.

Student 1: Come on. You know what I'm talking about. Those toasters that have slits at the top!
Student 2: Huh?
Student 3: Like, white people toasters!

Crushed Hope

Announcements: Alright Barons, don't forget that tomorrow is modified!

Students: Yay!!

Announcements: (sternly) No, it's not!

Students: Awww...